Divine Tension

I woke up this morning to walk early. I needed intimacy with God. The song on my heart was, "Lord, You have my heart, and I will search for Your's. Let me be to You a sacrifice. Lord, You have my heart, and I will search for Your's. Jesus, take my hand and lead me on." You see, yesterday, I received some disheartening news. MOPS released a brand new book that looks similar to mine. Of course, I've not read it yet...but even the title is worded similarly. It doesn't make sense. I have one more week before MOPS is supposed to give me an answer, but I feel I already know it. I'm trying not to let my emotions get ahead of the game, but yesterday was rough. I know that God had no intentions of me wasting two year of my life. I know that book has a purpose, but I'm going to have a bigger fight ahead. My first temptation was to bow out. "You know, I have a great life, and I'm really enjoying my kids. Who needs a book?" Though that is all true, that is God's book. So I have to get my heart in a neutral place and be ready to work for it...and ready to let it go all at the same time.

...which brings me to my title point: Divine Tension.

One of the best things we heard on our trip was a challenge from Banning Leibscher. I don't know much about this man, but I do know that the day we heard him, we heard some things we needed to hear...because he understands a God-given dream. Banning said that dreamers have to learn to live in Divine Tension. We have to learn to live in the absolute satisfaction and abundance of Christ on one hand....and on the other hand learn to live in absolute hunger and desperation for Christ. Wow! Nothing could be truer of the last few months of our lives. The purpose of our trip? We believe in many ways that one of the purposes was to learn to live in the abundance end of things. We (well, mostly I) seem tempted to live with the mentality that we never know what we'll have tomorrow - always scraping. There is balance. I need to understand that my God is the abundant, all-satisfying God - and with Him I'll never lack.

My SIL, Karen, and I had been discussing this a few days before. How we tend to make better decisions when we're not worried about being deprived. If we have access to everything, we choose what we really know is good. If we are continually denied, we tend to grab for whatever is offered - just because it is offered. Kids do this. When given LOTS of rules, they tend to bolt whenever they have a tinge of freedom. I remember as a kid when we didn't have a t.v., we tended to watch it every living moment we had an opportunity. Later, when my parents got a t.v., I didn't even care. I knew it was there if needed. It applies in so many ways. The heart that knows it's covered and provided for, tends to choose what is best...because it has no worries or insecurities.

A small way to apply that...I've been praying for a way to stock back up on some Costco things, so I wasn't continually scraping for $1 items to get by for a week. So it was so generous of the Lord to provide a $100 gift card to Costco in the mail from an anonymous giver when we returned home.

Another thing I'm trying to process:
*At WOW this week, one of the lessons was from I Kings 13. It was the story of the man of God who went to Judah to prophesy. God told him not to stay there or eat or drink there, but say what he was to say and go on. King Jeroboam asked the man to stay for dinner, but he said, "No, God said I can't stay or eat or drink. I must go on." So he left. Some men ran ahead and told their dad all that they had seen. Their dad was a propeht. So while the man of God was on his way home, the prophet came out and invited him to have dinner. But the man of God said, "No, God said I can't stay or eat or drink. I must go on." But the prophet persuaded him. He said, "Hey! I'm a man of God just like you are, and an angel came and told me I could invite you in for dinner." So the man of God said, "Alrighty then!"...and went in and ate. Before dinner was over, God told him he would die on the way home. He did. The end. (paraphrased of course).

*This morning, reading 1 John 2. Verses 26-27 "I am writing these things to you about those who are trying to lead you astray. As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit - just as it has taught you, remain in him."

So my thinking...how do you balance being in community, being accountable, and being under the covering of authority when those you are in community with say things like, "Hey! I know God just like you do, and God would never tell you to do something like that"? How do you balance wise counsel with the fact that the Holy Spirit teaches through His anointing and says that we don't really need other teachers (who may lead us astray)?

Questions mean I don't understand...so don't try to read too much in. Just pondering.

Vacation Details

First, I have to backtrack and talk about our camera. Our camera broke a few months back. When we were preparing to leave on our trip, I wrote "camera" on my to-do list. I didn't know *what* to do about it, just knew we didn't have one. I was walking and praying one morning, and just told the Lord, "You would be so extravagant to provide one. It's not a necessity, but it would be so special." I mentioned later in the day to someone how I wished I had a video camera to use on the trip because of something I wanted to do for MOPS. She said she thought they had one I could borrow. That night at church, her husband handed me a new-in-the-box digital video and still shot camera. He said it was our's to keep. I was blown away. The Lord sure is extravagant sometimes.

Our phones were due for a free upgrade as well. So, we had picked those up earlier in the same evening - now learning that cameras are standard in new cell phones. Clayton had also e-bayed his gameboy and used all his birthday money to buy a new PSP system before we left for the trip, so this poor little family who is trusting God for milk came home with a pile of new electronic toys to learn how to use. We all felt so silly. How could we have so many nice things. None of them necessary...but oh, so appreciated....AND the new cell phones came with a 30 day trial of webcast (internet), so we were able to check weather reports, hunt for the Starbucks exits, and find all kinds of needed info while on the road.

So went the trip. Every detail, every event, every moment, totally orchestrated by the Lord. We felt so incredibly blessed, spoiled, and loved on by God. We had almost backed out of the trip. We knew we couldn't afford it. We still don't know God's plan, but it was confirmed over and over how ridiculous we would have been to back out.

Monday 6/25
We left CDA bright and early. On our way out, rounding the lake, we asked ourselves, "Why are we leaving this place?" Certainly not to see something more beautiful! We stopped mid afternoon to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in about 7 years. I'd never met his wife. Such a sweet couple, serving the Lord in youth ministry in Montana. We camped that night in a campground in Hardin, MT. This was a good laugh for all of us. I had carefully made reservations the whole trip down, so we wouldn't be w/o a place to stop. We learned that picking camping over the internet can be interesting as photos can be so carefully taken for the viewer to see only a glimpse of the real picture. The campground was smack dab in town, backed up to an undesirable trailor park. The owners pointed us to an area of grass and said we could pitch the tent anywhere. Grandma rang up our ticket. She mistakenly charged us over $200 for the night. Even after correction, it was the most expensive campground we stayed out. Total joke! We'll laugh at that for years to come. But, Clayton got to try his hand at photography that night on a beautiful Montana sunset. He got some great shots!
Tuesday 6/26
We got up early and booked it to the Black Hills. It didn't look like it would take so long, but the mountain driving extended the trip. We saw the historic town of Deadwood, SD. We had no idea there was so much in that area. You really could spend a week in the Black Hills area and not run out of things to do. Maybe we will someday! Uncle J had provided some cash to do something entertaining, so after making camp at beautiful Lake Sheridan in the Black Hills National Forrest, we tracked into Rapid City for a dinner at Golden Corral and a night of mini golf with the Pirates. :D We also had to make a Wal-mart run. We had decided to only eat out once a day to cut out on costs, but with all the luggage, we could only manage 1-2 days of food at a time in the van.
Wednesday 6/27
Woke up wishing we'd planned better to cook out the night before and totally enjoy the scenery. Such a beautiful place, and we really didn't get to stay and play. But we enjoyed a morning campfire (I believe the night had dipped into the 40's) and ate donuts. We packed up quickly and headed to Mt. Rushmore. Ian was mezmorized. All the boys thought it was cool, but he just couldn't quit talking about it. He kept telling everyone the rest of the trip about the "faces carved on the mountain because they were dead!" The kids also loved the museum where they could touch a picture of the part they wanted to help sculpt and pump the dynamite to "blow up" that part of the mountain. From there, we headed across SD and of course had to stop at the infamous Wall Drug for lunch where all of the kids had their pictures made sitting on a Jackelope and got to play in the water area (water jumping out of the pavement into other places). They got soaked, so we loaded in the van all nice and wet and headed a little further. We stopped for ice cream by the 1880's town used as a movie set for Dance's with Wolves. The $8 each admission price kept us on the curb eating ice cream, but we didn't have time for it anyway!
We headed to DeSmet and took lots of pictures in town, not really knowing what was what. It was 9p.m. and everything was closed, but we knew it was all historic. We got to the Ingall's homestead and unloaded our tent, etc. to camp on the prairie. The owner noticed the kids jumping up to see inside the covered wagons. We thought they were just to look at on our tour the next day, since they were all locked up. But the owner came and unlocked one and asked us if we'd like to sleep inside. It had a queen loft bed and two small, sleeping bag size beds, and then a floor for two more. Our kids will NEVER forget that night! It was so cozy and fun. A forever memory.
Thursday 6/28
We woke up to a gorgeous sunrise through our wagon window. Bill snuck out and took award winning photos of windmills in the sunrise, and the little house on the prairie. We packed up the car, ate breakfast, and started our play-day on the prairies. We toured museums, rode ponies, played with kittens, saw a sod, dug-out house, a claim shanty, a replica of the original "little house", rode in a covered wagon to an old one room school house where one of the original teachers of *that* school gave us a sample lesson and dressed all the kids up in either a pinafore and a bonnet or a straw hat, then went back to the "shop" to make corn cob dolls (or action figures for our boys!) and rope and grind wheat! Whew! I bought a book of stories that the schoolhouse teacher had written, and a special glass jar with wire-frame lid designed for collecting wild-flowers. Then we drove on to Kansas City and spent the night with old friends and did the classic stay up until 3 a.m. talking bit.
Friday 6/29
The plan was to also hit the Ingalls-Wilder homestead in Mansfield, MO on "our way to" Arkansas, but we got a late start and had to go back for the camera battery. So we re-routed and headed straight to Russellville where we joined our precious friends, the Bells, for a night of camping. Some of Bill's family surprised us there as well and brought BBQ. Clayton opted out of the extra night in the tent and went to spend the night with his cousins.
Saturday 6/30
We took our kiddo's to swim in the lake and see the aquarium, etc. at the State Park visitors center, said sad goodbyes to the Bells and headed on to Ozark.
Sunday 7/1
Aunt Karen offered to take the kids to church. Bill and I were five minutes behind. BUT, Bill had moved the van out of the garage earlier and *thought* he'd left the keys in the van. So, we locked up the house - and realized the keys were in the house. There we stood, eight miles out in the country - locked out. Thankfully, Bill's parents planned on attending that morning, so we walked to their camper and waited for a ride. On the way, we went by our little green house for a little memory reflection. This was so funny because I had brought my best black dress ever. I had such a hard time living in AR, and I wanted to show the world how much better I was doing. BUT, by the time we got to the camper, I had dog slobber on my dress, grass all over my shoes, and was sweating! Oh, good grief...that gentle reminder from the Lord to focus on what God had done inside - not how I looked! So, we sat in the camper and quietly reflected on God's Word. That night there was a cook-out at a park for the church, so we got to visit with lots of old friends from our Ozark church and meet new spouses, etc. In the middle, we got a call from our nephew announcing that he was getting married on Saturday in Nashville! We had said all year we'd do whatever it took to get there when it happened, and were in awe at God's timing. We were already so close! The only bummer was that we spent our whole day at the church in Ozark thinking we'd be in Mansfield the next weekend. However that night, the opportunity came up for Bill to really share with his parents what we've been up to. His parents reacted with support, encouragement, and humor. We were taken back! I can I honestly say, it greatly impacted Bill's self-confidence. He had been validated!
Monday 7/2-Tuesday 7/3
Visiting, visiting, visiting with Jim and Karen and Jimmy and Dorinda, and Jim and Sue, and Jana. Lots of swimming, trampoline jumping, movie watching, light saber fighting, and video gaming with cousins. Our niece and nephews have grown into amazing young people. We are so proud of their attitudes, their commitment to Christ, and their work ethic. It was great to spend a few days with a mom of older children - so I can get some tips....since all my friends tend to have pre-schoolers. :D
So you may be wondering? Where are all the amazing picture from your trip? Well, up to this point of the trip, they are lost. I had dumped my photo card a couple of times on other's computers and burned cd's. This cd came home broken. Though, I'm still praying that they are miraculously on my friend's computer, I'm having to give this to the Lord over and over and over again. I cried myself to sleep the first night, but I'm learning to accept and trust God has a purpose beyond my understanding.
Wednesday 7/4
We went ahead and spent the 4th with our dear friends the Zluticky's in Mansfield, exchanging stories of what God is doing in our lives and praying together. It was such a rush decision - trying to figure out when we could go. We didn't get to call people ahead, and were only able to see a few people that caught wind we were in town. But it was a great day of visiting. Only wish it wasn't so short. We came back that night to do the traditional fireworks display at Grandma Lane's.
Thursday 7/5
Another great play day with cousins. We capped it off with a night at the skating rink. Hayden got hooked quickly and keeps asking to go back.
Friday 7/6
Sad goodbyes to cousins. We loaded up and headed to Nashville, TN. Who would have thought! We stopped in Memphis to see Cindy, Yancy, and Cort and play at Mudd Island ( a five block replica of the Mississippi river that kids can wade in and trace it's path. Too fun! Then on to the hotel.
Saturday 7/7
Friends had helped me connect with old aquaintances to help with the kids during the wedding festivities. So we headed to a hobby farm in Franklin and dropped off the kids. They had a great day playing with the Kinchens. They collected eggs from the birds, cooked and ate a few, baked cookies, made homemade clay and sculpted a few things, and much more! We headed to Luke and Christa's new apartment to regroup and get armbands to enter the Stadium for the wedding. Luke and Christa were married at TheCall Nashville, a large prayer gathering (about 75,000 people) at the Titan's stadium on 7/7/07 (http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/191522.aspx )They were praying for the restoration of the Bride of Christ to her bridegroom - that as a nation, we would renew our vows to the Lord. As a part of that, they wanted to do some real live marriage ceremonies to symbolize. Christa is a professional musician. She sings, plays violin and guitar. Right now, she plays with Michael W. Smith. She had been asked if she would play her violin for the ceremony, but she said, "I'd rather get married!" Anyway, we made family pictures holding out our security armbands and headed to the stadium. While waiting for the ceremony, we were able to meet Michael W. Smith! Then we all headed out to the front of the stage and gathered around Luke while Christa (and two other brides) came down the aisle. A friend of Luke and Christa's was singing, "Dance with Me, O, Lover of My Soul..." Georgeous! We all gathered close in. Each couple had their own minister. We couldn't hear much as the music was so loud, and we were right in front of the speakers, etc. But it really was intimate. We followed them out for a brief family photo shoot before Christa and "Smitty" were to lead in worship. So we all followed back out to worship as a family. It was amazing! I can't even tell you how amazing this couple is and how glad I am to be related to them! They are precious to us. So...after grabbing the kids from the farm, we went swimming and ate a late dinner in Jimmy's hotel room.
Sunday, 7/8
We headed to church with Luke and Christa. It was the most incredible worship experience I think I've ever been apart of. Seriously. Which is why it was so sad that this was the moment my MOST EMBARRASSING adult moment happened. But it also why it probably didn't phase me as much as it could have - since the Lord already had my heart in a humbled state....and also the fact that it didn't happen in a traditional church was helpful. See, I had just bought a new skirt at a re-sale shop in Arkansas, and this was the first day I'd worn it. It had a couple of wide ruffle layers, and comes just above the knee. Well Hayden had fallen asleep across my lap in the middle of the service. When he woke up, he begged to go to class with the kids. So I carried him out. I then went to the restroom and then stood in the hallway outside of Hayden's class to make sure he had settled. After a little while, I made my way back down the long hallway, and then to the back of the auditorium and walked down the aisle to about the fourth row or so where we were sitting, then scooted myself to the middle of the row (of course with my back to the people who were sitting down), then did the customary skirt sweep to make sure the skirt sat with me - but the skirt was not there! Well, at least part of it. Must have been the potty stop...but the bottom ruffle was tucked way up under the rest of the skirt. I really don't know what all I showed off. I really didn't want to know - and was just glad that I wouldn't be back anythime soon! So off to lunch with the fam at a little dinner. An old friend of Luke's came and ate with us. He just happened to be Jeremy Camp's keyboardist. We also saw the guy that did all the music videos for our VBS programs. Clayton thought that was pretty cool! After lunch we headed back to Arkansas, stopped for an oil change, and got into Jana's house about midnight. They weren't there because Alan had been called out to fight fires at Tahoe. They were getting him to the airport.
Monday 7/9
Said goodbyes to Jackie and Jana and grabbed a quick breakfast at McDonald's in Ozark with Grandma and Grandpa Gifford - then off to Hooker, Oklahoma.
Tuesday 7/10
Had a great visit with Grandpa Lawrence and Granny Pat. We made the traditional visit to the shop to ride the scooter and see Grandpa's tractors. Then we went to the town pool complete with kiddy area, water slides, and diving boards. We cooked out with Aunt Sandy then headed to the park to play hide and seek. Grandpa has a tradition of filling the grandkid's tanks when they come for a visit, and with the gas prices right now, we had the privilege of being the most expensive tank he's ever bought - even more than the camper!
Wednesday 7/11
We took a long, construction filled drive to Denver. It's only supposed to be six hours. We made it in about 9! After setting up camp at Cherry Creek State Park, we headed to Casa Bonita for a night of fun with the kids. Our server sat us right by the railing looking over the pool where we watched divers, fire jugglers, and western skits. Ian, again, talked about this for days! When we left, he said, "That was really something special."
Thursday 7/12
We swam in the lake that morning, got everyone showered and ready, broke camp and went to lunch - then by MOPS, Int'l. I had hoped to meet with someone regarding my book proposal, but never got through to the "right people," etc. But I just wanted to see what the place was like. Right after I walked in, Elisa Morgan (CEO) rushed in with her suitcase on her way to a meeting. We spoke briefly, and she ran me down the hall to see the MOPshop. I met Naomi Overton (president) on the way. It was good for me to see how many books MOPS carried that they didn't publish. It was also good for me to see that it was a much smaller operation than I had in my head. After that we drove on with intent to camp in the Custer Hills National Forrest, but we couldn't find a single vacant site. Our whole drive down, I'd made reservations ahead and there were ton of empty spaces...and since it sometimes costs to reserve, we decided to take our chances. We drove into Buffalo, WY - no hotels. We drove on to Sheridan, WY - one room available - a roach motel complete with fake, brightly colored, light-up palm trees for $95. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Finally in Billings, MT, we found one room about 1 a.m.

Friday 7/13

We could have made it home, but after the long day before - we really didn't want to come home worn out. We wanted to come home refreshed. So we drove to Butte and headed a little north to camp. We stopped about 2 and played in the creek, cooked out, showered, and got a good night's rest.

Saturday 7/14

After a leisurely morning, we drove home.

I cannot even begin to describe the amount of memories built on this trip, the spiritual growth that took place, the bonding that happened in our family, the validation Bill experienced, the rejuvination we experienced by being with people of such strong faith. It was incredible and will be remembered for a lifetime!

Home Again

We got home yesterday afternoon after nearly three weeks on the road. Bill and I came home sick with sinus stuff and coughs. We let everyone have an hour to play with the dog and enjoy being home. Then we made lists. Three weeks of dust had settled in the house, no A/C for the hottest part of the year (hotter here than anywhere on our route throuth the south.) We promised the kids a night of fun if they each finished their lists by 6:00. So we all unpacked and put away our suitcases, sorted and started all the laundry, unloaded the van, washed the camping chairs, cleaned the bathrooms, washed all the bedding, swept and mopped the floors, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, and dusted! Whew! But it certainly felt better to be home. Then we took my brother (who housesat) out to eat with us. The younger three picked the restaurant, so the oldest chose our after dinner activity. We rented the "Shaggy Dog." Just about then, my oldest brother called and announced the completion of his home theatre and invited us to come watch our movie with them (they wanted to see us) in air conditioning. After that, we took brother #2's dog home and headed towards our house, only to run into really old friends backing their moving truck into the driveway of their new home - they are moving back! So we stopped and said hi. Finally got home, made the beds, got everyone settled, took some cold medicine, switched some more laundry and fell asleep about 2 a.m.!

Come Meet with Me!
So....when I woke up at about 6:20 a.m., I intended to go right back to bed. I just needed a potty stop, and figured I'd check load number 16 (LOL!) of laundry. Bill asked, "Are you getting up?" I glanced back and nodded my head, "No." However, on my way back to the bedroom the Lord whispered, "Come meet with Me." This is where my first battle every day begins about Who is really Lord in my life. I really felt half dizzy from the cold medicine still. My first response to the Lord was a very willing, "Are you kidding me? Lord, I'm so tired and medicated. I'm sick." He whispered again, "Come and met with me...just for a little while." He is so tender and not pushy. I argued with Him, but He didn't argue back...just kindly asked, "Come spend time with me." I finally yielded and trudged up the stairs to retrieve my Bible and journal from the stack of undealt with vacation stuff and headed back to the much cooler basement.

I assumed a face-down position and asked God to speak and where He wanted me to look. I must admit, I have been nervous about coming home. The last three weeks have been full of excitement. Every day we knew what we were doing, and it was always a new adventure. We saw so many friends and family - those encouraging us in our pursuit of faith. The question coming home is "What now?" We see God working in us spiritually. We see Him moving so many little ways in our favor. But we don't see Him moving in my book, Bill's golf, or the retreat ministry. What is He up to? What does He want from us next? We're willing - just directionless. Again the Lord prompted that I'm so impatient...always looking for a new direction instead of willingly plodding throught he last direction until He decides its completed.

But this morning, He led me to the Psalms. I needed to see the character of God. God spoke to me through His Word, and I prayed back to Him my heart responses.
Ps. 14:2 - O God, may you see us as ones that seek you!
Ps. 14:6 - Thank you for being our refuge.
Ps. 14:7 - O Lord, restore our fortune.
Ps. 44:3 - Your face is beautiful!! Thank you for your strong arm. O God, save us because you love us!
Ps. 44:23, 26 - O God, don't forget us! We beg for your mercy! Redeem us because of your unfailing love! Rise up and help us!
Ps. 74 - O God, please don't be angry with us.
74:9 - What does this mean? Are we a part of this? O God, we want to see your church restored. Help me to not be so focused on me/us.
74:21 - O Lord, may we not be required to retreat in disgrace!
74:22 - Defend your cause - the cause you assigned us!
Ps. 104 - Praise the Lord! You are so great! You are mighty! You are awesome!
104:27 - The whole earth depends on your provision. Why am I concerned?!
Ps. 134 - O God, may your blessing be on us!
Proverbs 14:14 O Lord, may we be rewarded for our faith!
14:23 - Our hard word did not/has not led to profit. O God, where are you in this?
Verse of the day - Proverbs 14:26 "He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge."
What a sweet time with the Lord.......and then I went back to bed until 9:00 :D


Trip Highlights

I have so much to tell about our trip and pictures to show...but it will take some time to get it all out. For now, a few highights:

*We saw lots of friends and family.
*Slept in a covered wagon on the homestead of the Ingalls family.
*Were able to pray with and encourage four ministry couples during our travels.
*I pulled my first grey hair.
*We were able to be apart of "TheCall" on 7/7/07 and witness the marriage vows of our nephew (Luke Gifford and Christa Black).
*We met Michael W. Smith!
*I now have an official, adulthood, most-embarrassing moment.
*I met Elisa Morgan and Naomi Overton (MOPS CEO and President).
*We built priceless memories with our children. We've been home one night and they are asking to tent camp in the backyard tonight. Camping was a hit!