What We're All Doing

Boy, life just doesn't slow down - and while I'd like to just sit here and write and write, I thought I'd at least take a minute to post a bit about what we are all going to be doing this fall - which starts Monday.

Bill
Bill will continue working as a pro at The Coeur d'Alene Resort Golf Course and letting his leg heal. He is back at work, but pretty sore and swollen when he gets home each day.


Angela
I will be the new customer service representative for Mom 4 Life, working part time. Bill and I will both be juggling car pools, drop offs, and pick ups for the kids. I will also continue to be involved in women's ministry at Real Life and writing when I can. Oh! and the first week that all the kids are in school, I have jury duty. Yeah! This is probably the biggest change for our family, as I've been home full time with the kids for over eleven years and homeschooling off and on in there as well.

Clayton
Clayton is starting sixth grade on Monday at Coeur d'Alene Charter Academy, which is a college prepatory school. It was recently rated in the top half of the top one percent of the nation's high schools. It is a public school, but state-funded, rather than district funded. He will be wearing uniforms. Right now, he is determined to hate the whole thing, but we are very excited for this opportunity and trust his heart will change as time goes.

Riley and Ian
Riley will be in third grade and Ian will in first grade at Sorenson Magnet School, which is also a public school. It emphasizes art, music, theatre, and humanities. The boys will be also wearing uniforms and going to school an extra hour a day, compared to other public elementaries. The pictures you saw in a previous post from Art on the Green showed the boys juggling, balancing on balls, etc...all at a booth sponsored by their school.

Hayden
Hayden will be going to preschool at Noah's Ark Learning Center four days a week and staying with Daddy on Fridays. :D He's very excited about the playground, and his new naptime gear. He got to go to the fabric store with mom and pick stuff for new pillow and blankets for school.



The kids are all very excited. We've taken special time each day to help them all label their backpacks and school supplies and get everything loaded. We've sharpened over 60 pencils and steamed and hung all the uniforms.





Tonight will be haircuts!
Whew!

Good News!

We got the lab report today, and Bill is cancer free! It was simply a ganglion cyst behaving strangely. We'll take it! Thank you Jesus!

He is pretty sore still, but will try to return to work tomorrow.

The World Keeps Turning

It is 10 p.m. I'm finally sitting down. It is nice to sit and read so many e-mails encouraging us and assuring us of your prayers and love and support. Friends have brought meals and helped with kids, and we are so grateful.

Today I did middle school orientation with Clayton, registration at two different elementaries (since Ian is still on the waiting list at the school Riley is going to), four dental appointments, and ordered glasses. I went through the day feeling I could cry at any moment, but just kept plugging through it all - almost too busy to think. One friend prayed with me at orientation, several called throughout the day. It helps so much to keep my heart focused pouring out to Jesus.

As I'm blogging, Bill is gleefully raising his leg in the air and cheering at himself. He is wiggling his toes and almost got them crossed! Any movement and feeling is encouraging. Yeah!

It's All Going to Be O.K.

The doctor had said it would be about a 45 minute procedure. One hour passed, then one and a half, and then two. I sensed that something wasn’t going quite right. Spouse after spouse was called to join their loved ones in recovery, but not me. Then it was my turn, but instead of being summoned to recovery. A staff member asked another staff member to please escort me to a consult room. My heart sunk. The halls seemed very long. I felt the undersized room could swallow me up while I sat and waited for the surgeon to finish up and join me. I wished I had someone holding my hand. My teeth began to chatter. I just knew the events of the day had not gone as anticipated, and I really didn’t know what to expect next. I just knew my heart needed to prepare for the next thing.

When I was still in the waiting room, Bill’s mom and I were watching an episode of 7th Heaven where a sweet, older lady was assuring the mom that “It would all be o.k.” That the death of her mom, her husband’s heart attack, her children’s rebellion, her father’s recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis, would not define the quality of her life. It would all be o.k. In the last year, God has taught me that the phrase “It’s all going to be o.k.” can have many different meanings and interpretations. I’ve learned that “being o.k.” may have nothing to do with the outcome of the circumstances. It simply means that God’s character doesn’t change. He is still always strong. He is still always loving. He is still always faithful, and He is still the provider of the peace that passes all understanding. So no matter the hardships, no matter the blows, it can all be o.k.

So I sat there asking God for the strength to handle another blow, to be able to take the next steps in whatever journey had been planned, no matter how difficult things might be.

The doctor explained that he had removed the cyst, but that it wasn’t exactly like they’d thought. It had the appearance of a ganglion cyst. It came on fast like a ganglion cyst. But a ganglion cyst usually comes off a tendon. This mass was coming out of the nerve. It had split the nerve, was growing around the nerve, in the nerve, and following the nerve. There was concern that it might in fact be a schwannoma tumor. A ganglion cyst is always benign. A schwannoma tumor might be benign, but it might not be. A schwannoma tumor has the tendency to turn malignant even if it starts out as benign. He said there was about a one in ten chance that we were looking at something more serious. He explained that if it did turn out to be a schwannoma tumor that a neurosurgeon would need to go back in and use his ultra high-powered microscope to scrape the nerve completely clean of any trace of contaminated cells….and we should know all of this in as little as

72 hours.

The room felt cold. My head felt dark. My heart felt alone and cradled in the Father’s hands all at the same time. Teeth chattering and insides shaking, I delivered the report to Bill’s parents and then mine and then a few others and then to Bill. He embraced me and said those predictable words, “It’s all going to be o.k.”

Wal-mart didn’t have his prescriptions ready. I found myself wandering around the store piling things into my arms - frozen peas for ice packs, a cold water bottle for Bill (who was waiting in the van). I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I was in a fog. My dear friend Santha hopped on the interstate and met me at Wal-mart to give me a hug and wait for the prescriptions. She asked me what I was thinking, and I confessed. Honestly, nothing about this year has been for sure or miraculous or a big, positive answer to prayer. Time after time, the answer is no. Time after time, we’re called to deal with the worst possibility. My confession: I no longer expect God to do something big and miraculous for us. I expect to face the worst. It isn’t that I don’t believe God *can* do big. It just seems to be the year where we follow Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in saying, “Our God has the power to save us…but even if he doesn’t…..” It has been the year of echoing Hezekiah in saying, “Even though there are no cattle in the stalls, and no grain in the fields…I will still praise you.”

We have come to accept that it can all be o.k. - even though it is horrible. But today, I am forced to wrap my mind around the horrible. I wish I could be one who didn’t think about the worst until we had all the answers, but it just isn’t me.

A friend of mine has been blogging about the recent death of her newborn son and how she is having to work through feelings of resentment and envy towards those that are having babies and carrying babies and announcing pregnancies. I can relate to those feelings in the small moments that others tell me about God’s miraculous answers to their prayers. They tell stories of having the elders pray, and God miraculously healed. Not Bill. They tell stories of taking requests to God and how he came through in a bigger way than they even expected. I would be completely ungrateful to act as if God never comes through for us, but I’ll admit…I have taken a hard swallow time after time at the good news of my friends, and chosen to rejoice with them out of obedience…inside wondering why all of the miracles seem to elude us.

I know that God is doing things behind the scenes that we don’t even see, that there are miracles He’s doing that we don’t even know we need. I know that He is always faithful, and that He is always loving, and that He is strong and powerful and mighty to save. But today, the truths of God’s Word and our feelings collide and need the opportunity and the time to learn to cooperate with each other.

So last night we returned 1,000 phone calls. I drug the down mattress that I’ve been trying to sell up the stairs so I could cozy up as close to Bill’s couch as possible. He lovingly worked on a knot in my back while we watched gymnastics, and tears streamed down my face. We didn’t sleep well.

…and today begins. Middle school orientation, registrations at two elementary schools, four dentist appointments, and waiting. I’d rather just stay cozied up to Bill today holding on to the preciousness of each moment. But life moves on. The world moves on.

…and it’s all going to be o.k.

Bill's leg

Bill will be having surgery on Monday to remove a ganglion cyst from his left leg. They will have to open him up about two inches, but it should be an outpatient procedure with a couple of days of keeping his leg up. However, removing the cyst will not automatically restore the nerve. The paroneal nerve has sustained damage, and the doctor said it could take up to six months for it to heal completely and give Bill the full use of his leg/foot. So Bill is wearing a brace/support to keep his foot stable right now and will continue to do so until the nerve heals.

We appreciate your prayers for him. Also, the insurance company is doing all they can to prove this is pre-existing and not have to cover anything. So we'd really appreciate your prayers regarding that - especially since this process has been completely innefficient, racking up bills that weren't necessary in the first place.

Rediscovering

"You are awesome, O God, in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God!" Psalm 68:35

This morning I had to pause and simply thank God once again for the beautiful place in which we live. When I was single, I had the luxury of hiking up the mountain behind my parents' house on the mountain with our loyal, guard dog, Harley to spend time with God. I had a special place that I went each time. It was my secret meeting place with the lover of my soul. I rarely took anyone there. I took Bill there once to "define the relationship" when one of us (clears throat - namely, me) had stronger feelings and hopes than the other. After God changed Bill's heart, he took me back there and proposed. It was a sacred place to me. Holy Ground. God had healed many a wound there and showered many rhemas upon me. I found strength there. I found peace there. I could take an afternoon nap there when I had been unable to sleep at night.

About five years ago, or so, that "mountain" became a development. Bill and I walked up to my "place" and found "my" log. It was in the back yard of a future home. We wished we could buy the lot, but it was not to be. We took a piece of the log, a few pictures and left. I couldn't go back there anymore. Where would my next "place" be?

This morning I sat on my porch, backed up to the mountain on my newly renovated and cushioned furniture. I watched two hummingbirds dart around my flowers. A momma robin perched herself in the top of the apple tree with a six-legged creature in her mouth. With muffled chirps, she tried to call someone else to join her for breakfast. I had intended to be reading my Bible, but couldn't help just throwing my head back and letting my face soak in the sun while my soul soaked in the whole experience. I have a very special place - every day. One where I can remember the things I loved in my youth before life got so complicated.

This spring and summer, God has been doing some heart surgery. One of the loving things He's done has stripped away caloused layers of my heart and helped me remember the things that have always brought me joy.

I have rediscovered my love for the beauty of the outdoors. I have rediscovered my joy in being creative- painting, sewing, crafting. I tend to escape to the fabric store just to touch the fabrics and dream about what they could be. I notice people's unique clothes everywhere I go and long to make my sewing machine hum again. I have rediscovered the Balzer passion for shoes. O my!









I have rediscovered my love for taking pictures and really miss my good camera!

Bill borrowed and i-pod to bring home and "give" me a song (Where You Are by Rascal Flatts) after his rough day on the course, Monday. I redisovered my love for pumping loud music into my head with headphones and rockin' like a rock star in front of the mirror with the bedroom doors closed! :D

It is good to be alive.

I will call on Him...

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

Sometimes, in the depth of pain and confusion, there is only One Who can soothe - One Who really understands, One Who can reach the depths of my heart and make sense of the rubble. It is the One Who designed my heart in the first place. He knows where everything should go. He knows what order things need to be on the shelves. He knows what needs repaired, what needs tossed, what needs soothed, what needs hammered into shape. Friends try. They want to understand every part of you. They want to help. They want to encourage - and often do. But sometimes there are parts of your heart that can only be poured out to One.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." Psalm 116:7

He is the one who can put a soul at rest, the One Who the woman desparate to be filled with that precious inner beauty can trust to still when she cannot still herself.

This has been one such week when I have needed to fall into the arms of the "stiller" of my soul. Bill did not pass his playing tests. Honestly, it was a shot in the dark with his leg being in the condition it was. But with childlike faith, I trusted God to show his power in Bill's weakness. I know God has other plans, and it will all work out, and all that jazz...but for 24 hours or so, I needed to plunge deeply into the truth of what God says about Himself. Because my feelings said it was all pointless.

Bill was tired by the 12th hole of the first round. During the second round, he rolled his ankle and was really grinning and bearing it for the rest of the time. It isn't the end of the world, but does end some hopes for this season. His leg needs to heal.

Today the results of the MRI confirmed a cyst in Bill's knee joint. He has now been referred to an orthopedic surgeon to get things squared away. He has lost some muscle mass, so we will be looking at some healing and therapy time.

When I sat down last night and opened my spiral verse book, I was reminded of the verse God gave me on Sunday:

"For the Word of the Lord is true; He is faithful in all He does." Psalm 33:4

We can trust that God is faithful, even when He doesn't make sense.

"O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God."

We can trust that God is still strong and loving in all He does, even when He doesn't answer our way.

"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me." Psalm 57:2

We can trust that God will fulfill His purposes for us, even when we think our best options have failed.

Those are all verses God has given me in the last week, written one by one, day by day in my little spiral notebook. What benefit and joy there is to daily seeking Him.

...and then this morning, after a couple of days of recounting the repeated dissappointments of the last couple of years - wondering when we'll ever get a break.

"For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:10-12

The writer does something here, that I am too weak to do. He praises God first. It is obedience. It is right. It is what our God deserves. For me, I have to read verses 10-12 before I can wholeheartedly claim verses 8-9.

"Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping." Psalm 66:8-9

He has. Oh, He has! Someday, I'll learn to praise Him first!

Updates and Fun Stuff!

Bill went to see a surgeon on Thursday who let us know that he really needed an MRI of Bill's leg. Ya think? Isn't that why we've been calling for four days to see if you needed one before we came? Wouldn't it have been more efficient to MRI the leg at the same time as the back? That is medical efficiency at work for you! So anyway, Friday, Bill finally was able to establish as a new patient at a regular doctor's office. He had a full exam, blood work, x-rays, etc. We don't have the results to everything yet, but basically know that there is no other glaring health issues. He is really healthy - except his leg.

He is playing his PAT today in Moses Lake, WA, and will have an MRI tomorrow after work. Eventually we'll get there. God gave me two verses to give to Bill before he left. One being,

"One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." Psalm 62:11-12a

and

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Berry Picking







Gas for a mountain drive: $40



Time in the hot sun: 4 hours


Time to treat berry-stained clothes: 30 minutes

Other ingredients: $5

Price for listening to children whine, "Can we go yet?": headache


Trying to duplicate mom's huckleberry cheesecake: priceless

We've also been to pick raspberries at a friend's house.





...and play at the local BMX track





...and went to Art on the Green, where we juggled, balanced on balls, painted, sculpted, and learned about the Chinese yo-yo!

A Meek and Quiet Spirit

Well, so much for getting back to "Captivating" the very next day. One reason it has taken me so long, is that I've literally been going page by page back through the book looking for a section I wanted to quote..and I CAN'T find it. I hate it when that happens!! But as I was going page by page, I realized how much of it I could quote. The book is overdue, and I really need to turn it in, but there is still so much I want to share. SO, if you're looking for something to read - this is a good one!!

Anyway, one of my favorite parts of this book is Stasi's explanation of the meek and quiet spirit that we are always so confused about. Stasi explains how she has always been an extrovert and a loud laugher - and felt defeated by the command to have a meek and quiet spirit. But further study into the verses helped her to understand that God never told us to have quiet personalities. He told us to have meek and quiet spirits. The meaning of "quiet" here comes from the Greek words "hed-rah'-yos" and "hay-soo'-khee-os", meaning: settled, steadfast, immovable, at rest, peacable spirit. We are told to be at rest in our spirits, to be settled, not striving. Wow! That is a much bigger challenge than just being outwardly quiet, but has much broader results in our actions. "Meek" is translated humble and mild. My favorite definition: "power under control."

The traditional church has often twisted this verse to stomp on women who are bold, extroverted, warriors - letting them know that we are supposed to be week and quiet. But that is a lie and a total misinterpretation of God's Word. He has not made every woman quiet or week. He has made many loud and strong. But loud and strong doesn't have to be opposite of humble and at rest. A woman who understands who God made her to be can be humble, keeping her power under control, and only using it for God's purposes - because she isn't inwardly striving herself. She is completely at rest and only brings out the big guns when God says it is time, and then only in humility and under God's control. Part of God's design was for women to be warriors. You can understand that when you really examine the anologies of the bride of Christ. The bride is under attack, and needs to be engaged in warfare.

I could go on and on. "Captivating" has answered so many internal question I've had personally, about a strong, woman living surrounded by the influence of big men and littlel men. I've struggled to look for the purpose in femininity and reconcile it with his design for my life. So many questions have been answered. It is powerful to replace the lies you have believed with truth.