Another Year

I wanted to post this yesterday, but xanga wasn't working. Here is my entry from last June 24:

So, anyway....He has me walking in the mornings. Like, early in the
morning. I haven't gotten up this early (on purpose) in years. Its
been a true discipline and battle of the will. I've made it four straight
days now. I pace our driveway. One round trip is 1/5 of a mile. As I pace, I
pray. We cover everything, and I'm actually giving Him the chance to talk
back. :) Bill and I have been praying over this property we rent. God seems
to be whispering to get comfortable here. Its not for sale, though. Never met the owner. He lives in California. Heard he had no interest in selling. Its been in his family for years. We've been here almost a year, and our lease is about up. We've
been praying about what to do. God told me this week, "Knock! and the door
will be opened unto you!" "How, God? How do we knock?" was my cry this
morning. "We don't know where to begin. The property management co. isn't going
to let us talk to him. The family is somewhat non-communicative. How do we
knock?" "God, could we meet the owner? Could you arrange that?...or show
us some other way to knock?"

No better birthday present than a prayer God directly answers in the day you ask!
Guess who showed up at our back door this afternoon as we were heading out the door for the beach? You guessed it! The elusive, Californian mystery owner! As nice as can be, he introduced himself and told us he was in town to visit his brother and wanted us to know that we would be hooking up to city water soon. We chatted a little while....and I asked God for courage, then knocked. "Would you ever be
interested in selling the place?" "No, not interested. Its my ace in the hole for retirement." He explained he'd never lived here, just bought it off his parents when they retired. I told him if life changed and he changed his mind, his tenants would be interested. His eyes and ears perked up when I told him I was a fifth generation Idahoan and would love to help preserve a little of our Idaho. I've just been gitty all day! I'm not discouraged he said no. I knocked. That's what God said to do - and I know it wasn't a coincidence he showed up at my door today.?

So that was last year. Today, we met with the owner and his wife. They looked at all the work we had done in the house and were very complimentary. *This* year, they said that they were retiring this year and had no intention of ever living here. They were excited we were renewing the lease. I don't really know what all that means. Last year, they seemed convinced this was their spot for retirement. This year, they say they never plan to live here or develop the land. Hmm...what does God have in store?

Oh, my faith is week! I've been waking up in the morning with panic feelings and a tight chest worrying over how things are going to come together. How do we pay rent? How do we get to Arkansas? How do we pay for the golf lessons Bill needs to be competition ready? How do we pay the fees to market my book if MOPS doesn't bite? When will I hear from MOPS?

This morning, I literally had to start my day by asking God for strength to get up and start the day with purpose. I had to ask Him to help me be obedient to the command to "not let my heart be troubled."

We had good surprises today. The tile came in for Bill to help some friends finish a job. Our insurance company surprised us with a dividend check. The homeowner reimbursed us for supplies we purchased to work on the house. A couple of birthday checks came. I worked on planning our trip....

...which will be an adventure. We've spent one night in our tent before. We are getting ready to spend most of our trip in it. We're planning on tent camping, packing food, and eating out once a day to keep expenses at bare minimum. We are going to see Mt. Rushmore, some Laura Ingall's homesites (since we just finished reading the series), and of course see lots of family!

Today, I'm at peace - which I'm convinced has much more to do with "not letting my heart be troubled" than the fact that everything will be hunky dory.

Faith Without Works is Dead

I've been mulling over that statement a lot lately. I think I'm beginning to understand it. Faith sure is work.

My heart is really full tonight on so many levels.

Yesterday was busy. I didn't mean to be gone all day, but I was. I returned home to find the whole yard dug up, a water pipe broken, and the cable line cut. No water. No internet. No t.v. Can I just say the no internet was almost as dreadful as no water? It all worked out fine. In fact, we had a nice dinner with J&M and then the kids spent the night with them. I had some wierd allergy attack I've never had before and couldn't stop coughing and itching. So after we got home, I took two Benadryl and went to sleep.

I woke up cranky, depressed, sad, and mean! I needed lots of time on my face before God and time in the word. Galatians 5 was my minister today. My heart was encouraged in so many ways. Still I felt this dark cloud I couldn't get rid of.

Confession is a wonderful thing!
I was able to go to the gym later. I've been enjoying a class called "STRONG" (weight lifting aerobics?). Anyway, on the way home, I called a friend and just told her how awful I'd been. It felt so good just to get it out. Really. It changed my attitude. God's Word is so true to itself!

My Garden is a Joke!
I'm learning that the things I struggle with in my relationships are parallelled in my garden. I'm learning that weeding is time consuming, and I don't like it. I tried this square foot gardening method for most of my garden. It sounded good in theory. But I think it is for the very involved gardener. I gues my life is just too full for lazy days in the garden. When you plant rows of seeds, you may have to pull some out, but you will probably have enough. In gardens and in life, it is good to sow lots of seeds - and not have lots of weeds. We have two pumpkin plants, three watermelon plants, three corn plants, five bean plants, a handful of radishes and carrots, and a few hills with assorted squash or cucumbers because I honestly don't remember what I planted where. Maybe next year will be better - or maybe I'll skip it altogether.

Samson
I read about Samson to the boys tonight. I began to wonder about modern-day parallels for those who are totally yielded to the Lord - a modern day Nazarite. The power of God's Spirit is only proportionate in one's life to their yielding to Him. The more we are empty of ourselves, the more we can be full of His power. What might we be missing out on?

Our House
For weeks again, I've been praying. Our lease was almost up. I keep wondering. Did God send the homeowner here on the day I asked last year to show me He was working or to give me a "no," so we could move on. This year, I'm co-coordinating MOPS in Post Falls, our church is in Post Falls, Bill golfs in Post Falls, and we're hoping Clayton can go to school in Post Falls. Do you see a pattern. It seems wasteful to me to keep renting out here and drive to Post Falls (20 min. each way) 1-2 times a day between Bill and I. But, where would we go? Our income doesn't really facilitate new leases. So we've been praying, "God, if you want us to stick it out. If you have a plan for this property that we can't see - and aren't getting to see now, if you want us still here, let us be offered the lease again. If not, our hearts are neutral. We're ready to move elsewhere if you see fit."

Yesterday in the hub-bub of the water lines, etc., the owner told Bill that he wanted us to lease again. So tomorrow, they are coming over for a visit. I'm nervous. But trying to trust that God has a plan that we don't understand.....trying to be faithful to move forward when nothing makes sense and we feel so resourceless and often on our own. I know it's not true. But day to day, it sure feels that way.

Make-up Shopping with a Five Year Old Boy

Ian and I stole away tonight for some very rare one on one time. I was out of blush, and browsing through the many kinds of foundation. Ian spotted a picture of a make-up model.
"Maybe that stuff will help your skin look like that?"
"Do you think my skin needs to look like that?"
"Yes!"
"What does my skin look like now?"
"It's covered in bumps and freckles and stuff. You totally need that stuff!"

Yesterday I read the account of the widow of Zarapheth in 1 Kings 17. I was so challenged. Sometimes it's tempting when we're struggling and trying to make sure we have enough for the next bill, to think about being generous with the little we have. I'm really challenged to give from what we have and trust God to provide what we need next. So hard.

On that note, my mom sent me video this week that brought me to tears and challenged me to really grasp the value of the way God has created, gifted, and challenged each of us. It also challenged me further to thank God for every trial and circumstance and understand the love He has for us no matter what we face. Even further, it challenged me to think past times I'm tempted to simply feel limited by my own circumstances...the time I waste feeling sorry for myself. This video is about 16 minutes long, but well worth it!

http://video.google.com:80/videoplay?docid=7668133414808372958

Before (a family movie night w/ bean bags)

After!!

I can't tell you how blessed we feel. Bill donated the labor, and our landlord provided the materials for flooring upgrades. I cried when it was done. I really didn't realize how gross it really was until it felt all warm and clean and homey. It's amazing how much more motivated I am to keep things clean when there is a reward of it looking nice when you are done. Also, God provided the beautiful furniture for us last summer from some dear friends who were moving away and didn't want to take the furniture.

Soapbox....

So tell me....what does it mean when you say, "I could use some good news." ? What is good news anyway? Is it a ear tickling statement that elevates your spirits momentarily and makes you feel like something is happening or is going to happen that will make you feel all good inside - even if it's just for a moment? Or is it the confidence that God is working -no matter if it feels good or not. I mean, really! Real good news is knowing that God is working things together for good is it not? (Romans 8:28-29) But so often, we just want something to feel good for a moment. But if real good news is confidence that God is working, then chin up, brothers and sisters! God is always at work! He is at work on behalf of those who love Him for His ultimate glory and your ultimate sanctification. The good news is that He never changes, that He loves you completely, that He will always do what is best and accomplish His kingdom purposes. That is good news!! And we can say that every day! Hallelujah!

Off Soapbox....

You know, it hasn't been an ear-tickling kind of day. There is tough stuff going on. For us, hard times seem to come in sets. Hardships seem to hit healthy, family, finances, and direction all at once. It often feels that there is not a chance to really deal with one or the other - like trying to be safe in a hailstorm by holding a leaf over your head.

I've been feeling sick. What I thought was just allergies, may not be. I've been trying to rest and taking cold medicine - which helps for the cold, but leaves me feeling medicated and shaky. Sometimes, I think I would do better in life if I felt this way all the time. It automatically gives me this sense of dependency on the Lord - a feeling of vulnerability and need for protection. So I cry out to him more.

The power/gas company, phone company, and cable company were all here today spray painting to mark underground lines as they said the owner was preparing to dig and hook to city water. This is one of our few clues and feelings of uneasiness that our lease might not be renewed this year. I feel at a neutral place in my heart over it. Truly that's the Lord. A year ago, I would have wilted into a heap if you'd told me I had to leave this place. It has been home, but if God has other plans, it's o.k. We've been praying that if God wants us elsewhere (closer mileage wise to our church, Clayton's hopeful school, the golf course, etc) - that if we are not going to be able to use this land for retreat, if we are wasting dollars and time upkeeping this property and He needs the resources to go elsewhere - we are willing. We've simply asked the Lord to make the decision for us. If we are not offered the lease, we'll know He has something else for us. But what? That is the uneasiness - not knowing what the rest of the summer will hold, or where we will move at this time of no official income. But God knows.

Today was a little more productive. After Riley spilled a glass of milk in the fridge, I was suddenly motivated to thoroughly clean the fridge out. I cleaned out some more dishes for our yard sale. I've decided I'm officially done with apples. I still like them, but it has been 11 years, and it's time for something else. The house is actually clean tonight, the yard picked up, and I'm off to do some mending before bed.

The Wait Poem

by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate
...and the Master so gently said,"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
"Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Wow! Where does the time go? Seriously?! The last couple of weeks have been a total whirlwind, but it's been fun.

Two weekends ago, I was asked to speak at a women's event at another church on the topic of biblical fellowship. It was a growing opportunity for me in many ways. I always love to speak, but it seems the Lord always decides that for some odd reason, He wants me to experience personal growth that week in the topic of which I speak! It was emotional, as I worked through the feelings of loss of some past relationships - whether it be from moving, life changes, or hurtful experiences.

The rest of the day was an experience I will always look back on and laugh. Bill was in a tournament that day, so I got up and got all the boys ready as usual. Jonathan and Michelle were going to watch them for me. I needed to pick up Taylor's dog and bring her to J&M's with the boys because someone was coming to look at the house. So when I got to mom and dad's, Griffin (said dog) was running around the street. I opened the van door, and she jumped in. Withing five seconds, all the boys were yelling. Griffin stank! She had been rolling in poop! Yes, poop! It was all over her and she was happily jumping everywhere. I was thinking, "Great! I have to get her to J&M's w/o getting myself coated in poop before I go speak at this women's event." God was gracious. He spared me. The boys weren't quite so lucky. Michelle met me in the driveway, though, with two cans of air freshener to spray the van down.

Last weekend was our MOPS leadership retreat. It was fabulous! I can't even believe the incredible team of women God has put together for next year. We had an amazing time bonding through prayer, sharing our lives, planning, and reflecting. It was also exhausting! Most of the week before was spent planning and working on the retreat, then the retreat, then Sunday spent recovering from the retreat!

Bill won a one month pass to a localy gym at the golf tournament, and he gave it to me!! I have been enjoying water aerobics with Michelle, some weight machines, and cycling. It really motivates me to go out and exercise. It amazes me how much of that part of my life I let go when we started a family. I've really been thinking alot about what all I've let go of since I became a mom and why. Was it true service to my family? Or martyr complex? Was it benefical to anyone that I let those things go and felt horrible about myself? Or would everyone have been better off if I'd not? I often think that somehow Angela traded herself in for "mom" instead of Angela becoming a mother...like I replaced myself instead of embracing a new part of me. If that makes any sense.

Clayton left for camp yesterday. The boys all got sad again when he was leaving, but no major tears this time. I'm sure he is having a great time, though the weather is a bit cooler right now. After we dropped him off, we met friends at Mc D's for ice cream and a little playland time. That is something I wish I would have had a camera for! Then to the dollar store for the boys to spend their dollars.

Today, Riley and Ian had the opportunity to participate in a Junior Golf Clinic at Bill's course, while Hayden got to play with Noah and Matthew (an unexpected treat since he was too young to golf and feeling left out - thank you Dawn!). It was really fun to watch. After we got out there, Bill was asked to help a little. It was really fun for me to watch him work with the kids, and just be out on the course. Then I got to just sit and watch Bill hit some balls. It is fun to watch him work. I can see why he loves it so much, though I still have never played a round in my life.

After the golf clinic, we went to visit friends and were told we were staying for dinner. Thank you Jeff and Kim! It was fun to watch five of our boys (out of our seven) sword fight and tumble in the grass while we sat in the sun and visited.

I have to say that I have had to process feelings of guilt for just enjoying life so much lately. It is nice to be able to spend time with friends, go to the gym, work Bill and I's schedule so I can run errands alone or just have one on one time with one of the kids. I had to ask myself, "Is it wrong to be having so much fun?" It just made me realize how hard life has been for so many years that I feel guilty for having a fun day - or even a week that I don't think I'm going to lose my mind because there is just no give. All I can say is that I'm enjoying it immensely for now, in case it doesn't last!