Spiritual Observations

The last few days have been very hard. When a baby is fussy, you hold and rock them. When a seven year old is in pain, he is selfish, backtalks, sasses, and is just down right mean. I have to admit that I've lost my patience with him a few times this week. When you are doing everything you can to comfort and take care of someone and going on no sleep, and they refuse to be comforted (or even kind)..well...I just can't take it for too long. It really has had me thinking, though. How is it with me and God when I'm cranky and not understanding the pain he allows in my life? It is a challenge to me to comfort someone who refuses to be comforted. Does God give up? No. Does He back off and seem distant? Maybe He does. I wouldn't blame Him. Though I know He is perfect, and doesn't react with the same humanity that I do, I know He is quenched by my grumbling and complaining.

It's hit hard this week. Bill described it well while we were praying last night. Lots of "D" words: discouraged, disheartened, defeated, disciplined. It seems nothing in life makes sense right now. Before, when people asked what we were doing, we would hem and haw and try to figure out how to word things. The moment was uncomfortable, but there was a peace. Now, when others ask what we are doing, the answer is simple. Bill works at the golf course. But our spirit's are tense. There is nothing exciting about feeling your dreams are totally on hold, that maybe there was no reason for your suffering, that your faith might have been in vain.

It is hard to see what God is doing right now. Bill has no time to golf. He's not been able to start lessons, because he doesn't know when he's working until the night before. Money is tight. No time to work on marketing my book. It feels as if we are back where we were long ago. Working our tales off, just hoping to make ends meet with no time to pursue what we really feel called to.

We know that we can't really go farther until there is bigger backing...a sponsor, maybe? Someone or some company that believes in Bill or can simply back the ministry. Sometimes we feel we are serving the Lord 100% and are completely out of sync with the Christian community....completely without tangible support in our ministry. Sometimes we wonder if we should just lay it all down and wait for people to believe and understand. But we can't wait to obey and hang all our hopes on people. The simple answer would be that if God was in it, it would all fall together, right? Or would it? Are we just being tested to the hilt to see if we will persevere no matter what and praise in all things? Will we stick with things when they don't make sense?

I have been encouraged this week reading through Acts. I had never really realized that Peter and John were doing most of their teaching and preaching and miracles in the temple courts. That is where people were being saved. Revival was happening. They were fully representing Christ and doing all Christ asked them to do. Yet, they were disciplined, judged, and persecuted by the leaders of the Jewish temple. Nothing new.

I haven't done a good job praising this week. I'm sleep deprived and surrounded by whiny and negative people (some in pain, some just that way). Bill and I have been changing shifts at the hospital and with duties at home, with no time to connect. I could give a list of excuses. But just I tell Riley that he can do all things through Christ Who gives Him strength. So can I.